Monday, 31 December 2012

going forward in 2013....

By now going out as a woman for me is second nature. The nerves are gone and I am completely at ease in my own skin. It feels wonderful to be able to express myself in this way; a way that I never dreamed was going to be possible. For a gender outlaw like myself it represents having arrived at the epitome of balance and a level of congruence with my mental image of myself. How wonderful it feels to be here after the long struggle. Each time I feel I am at the summit things improve once again and I arrive at a new and more enlightened plateau of self discovery. After spending most of my life as the proverbial salmon fighting to get upstream I have finally stopped struggling and am learning to finally live in harmony with my disphoria. I could not buy that level of contentment with money or possesions.

Now that it is clear to me that I am not transexual I can relax and just be transgendered. I owe gratitude to AQV, Jack Molay, Marian. Sherry and others who have provided their input in the form of advice or insightful blog postings which have allowed me to reflect and find my way slowly forward. May they and all my readers have a wonderful and prosperous new year with particular emphasis on spiritual, mental and physical health.

Wednesday, 26 December 2012

end of the year thoughts...

Despite my occasional optimism, I am doubtful that I can successfully pair off with another person at this stage of my life; most especially due to the advanced state with my dual male/female existence, I sometimes feel it's no longer a realistic scenario to imagine that a woman exists that would find such a lifestyle palatable. I have also romanticised my previous life with my girlfriend and have forgotten how bad it could be at times. I don't regret meeting her or sending her flowers because at least it closes that chapter of my life in a more graceful way than the way things ended 5 months ago. Might there still be a chance for us? Possibly yes but there would need to be a meeting of the minds plus no cohabitation until my kids are older.

I am no longer willing to sacrifice joanna to fit into someone else's idea of what my gender presentation should be; even if the expectation of a traditional gender role is entirely normal for a biological woman. So if something must be sacrificed in order to maintain my personal balance, it will need to be the relationship. After all it is easier for me to control my own destiny as a solo act.

I'm not a crossdresser. It goes deeper than that for me but just not deep enough to tamper with my body. Firstly, there would be no point at this stage in my life and secondly, my GID is more or less manageable. Aside from the relationship compromise it's not making me unhappy so that's my litmus test for the status quo. I suppose it's all relative compared to where I came from which was a place of guilt and shame.

As I was writing this post having my coffee, one of the girls I buy cosmetics from came up to me and said joyfully: "hi princess!!". I was overjoyed to hear it. She sat down for a few minutes and chatted about the things women chat about. It was really lovely and nourished the female part of my soul.

Tuesday, 25 December 2012

happy holidays

To all who have followed, read and/or commented on this blog may you have a blessed Christmas and the very best for the coming year. May all of us find balance and peace in our lives and with that a state of contentment that carries us through the challenges of our lives.

Sunday, 23 December 2012

the road to congruence....

It's important to be realistic about things. My GID is here to stay and how I manage the rest of my life without letting it define me entirely is going to be the key. As I have mentioned, going back to a state of shame and denial won't work any further but putting some control on my crossdressing is probably going to be beneficial as the behavior can be addictive. Dressing exclusively for it's own sake is not the answer. I need to find a middle ground where I am allowing the outlet to happen without obsessing and having it be a mandatory part of my day as it has mostly been of late.

To add fuel to the fire I get pangs of wanting to get my girlfriend back but that is likely rose coloured thinking that could lead to more incongruity in my life. She has a power over me borne out of a strong attraction but the mixture can sometimes be more Molotov cocktail than the perfect martini. My life could go back to being tumultuous once again.

No matter which way one looks at it, having GID is a recipe for struggle and deep compromise. You can never find the formula that works perfectly for the sufferer because it goes so much against the grain of nature. Even the full blown transitioner has severe struggles, most especially if this occurs later in life.

I will test the waters with the anger issue because my childhood did involve exposure to a degree of dysfunction on that front. I had loving parents who did their best but there were signs of verbal abuse that I learnt to mimic and while it was not severe I feel it must be addressed if I am to continue my road towards a more congruent and internally peaceful me.

Saturday, 22 December 2012

life of Pi

Saw life of Pi with my kids yesterday and thoroughly enjoyed the film. Ang Lee has done a marvelous job at creating a magical and reverent work that celebrates spirituality and religion while at the same time telling a gripping story of respect between man and his fellow creatures. All three of US were riveted by the film and I highly recommend it.

On another note, my ex gf came back to me and apologized for telling me to leave her alone. I don't really know where we stand now but I will let the course of time take care of that. Whatever is meant to be will be.

and changing gears yet again, my sister who has always tried to talk me out of crossdressing has finally begun to read and understand about GID and autogynephelia. I pointed her to a few places including Jack molay's latest posting on crossdreamers where he talks about whether there is a cure for this enigmatic condition. It is finally starting to sink in with her that this is not something one chooses but lives with and manages. I am starting to feel good about where I am these days with my management of my autogynephelia even if things are hardly perfect. After all nothing in life ever is so I will accept where I am and deal with the changes (if any) as they come.

Tuesday, 18 December 2012

nothing to lose at this point..

I am going for therapy but not for gender confusion. Instead it will be to deal with my anger. One of the footnotes to my gender therapy four years ago was that I might have repressed anger issues possibly stemming from my childhood. Keeping things bottled up all those years certainly did'nt help and when my ex gf accused me of being a verbal abuser it was closer to confirming that there might be something there.

Upon meeting her again on sunday I promised to enter a treatment for verbal abuse as a prerequisite to any possible re opening of our relationship. Now with that possibility closed I still plan to follow up simply for my own benefit.

I have never thought of myself as an angry person but I need to investigate whether it merits investigation.

another lesson learned...

Well I should have known better. In trying to contact her again and meeting her I ended up wounding myself yet again. She was a sight for sore eyes this past sunday. Beautiful as ever and me with my rose colored glasses firmly in place thinking mostly of the good times. It made it easier to forget the bad times when her beauty was there once again in front of me after a 5 month absence from view. I should have known better. After a pleasant couple of hours over coffee on the Sunday the whole thing ended this afternoon with her email telling me to "LEAVE HER ALONE".

One day I wilk learn. Hopefully before I leave this earth.

Friday, 14 December 2012

Sunday meeting with my ex....

I took the initiative to email my ex-girlfriend because I need either complete closure or to maybe open the door to a reconnect. That is if she'll have me back.

I have always been short tempered. During the time that I was questioning my gender plus dealing with raising my children and being in a relationship with a woman who never wanted and never had children, the challenges were many. My temper flared up on more than one occasion and although I was in love with her, in the end felt that her demands were coming into conflict with my parenting responsibilites as well as my desire to drive my feminine time onto a new plateau.

Now 5 months of alone time have affored me some perspective and I have been to the desert of my soul (so to speak). I am being cautious about things, but the way I feel today is better than I did when we broke up last June. I need to know whether reconciliation is possible and I don't want to permanently close off with her without knowing that there may still be a chance for us to be together. The fact that she has agreed to meet me on Sunday after explaining my rationale to her means to me that there may indeed be a chance for us as a couple. She knows and accepts Joanna (to some extent) is smart, beautiful and intelligent. She has her own needs too and sometimes my behavior during our three years together was less than stellar. Reflecting on all of this last night was a bit of a watershed moment for me.

So while I have no illusions about the future one way or another, I at least want to face her with the calmness of spirit that the past months have brought to me slowly. With the full knowledge that I will not transition and a better understanding of myself, I may be a better partner for her now. If not then at least I will have tried and failed with dignity and can close that chapter of my life with no regrets.

I look forward to our meeting again after not seeing her beautiful face for 5 whole months. It will be interesting to see how each of us reacts and reads the situation. I am old and hopefully wise enough to accept what the outcome needs to be.

Thursday, 13 December 2012

depressed last night and today...

I am currently on a business trip for work and last night was a terrible night. I became distraught and depressed as I ended up on Facebook and saw pictures of my ex looking happy and beautiful in some photos. I slept maybe 3 hours and cried myself to sleep.

My mind is not working well these days at all. I thought all was going in the right direction but it's apparently going to take more time to get my head screwed on straight.

I realize that for the first time in my life I have no objective and no direction for myself. The only goal I have left is to try and raise my children the best way I can at a distance.

I know this will pass but today I don't feel much better.

Wednesday, 12 December 2012

Increasing calm

I've been feeling more relieved of late. There is an increasing sense of calm taking over which is welcome after the more turbulent months that have passed. I am also becoming more comfortable with my decision to forego therapy and just try and become increasingly comfortable with who I am; to just be happy with my transgender status. If this means living in between genders then so be it. Yes it hurts my chances for a relationship but we need to be true to who we are before we can be with someone else.

Maybe it's because we're approching the Christmas period I don't know. But I will enjoy this sensation while it lasts.

Sunday, 9 December 2012

target error...

Target error - that concept has been in the back of my mind for a while now. The idea that I want to become the object of my desires makes perfect sense given my history. When I was very little I wanted to emulate my mother; wear her heels, earrings and lipstick. I wanted to BE my mother and when she would scold me and I second guessed her punishment she would sometimes say : "when you're a mother.....". I winced but was secretly titilated when she said it. I went to her closet when she was'nt there and practiced being a lady. The thought that I could become a woman, a mother was so exciting to me that when puberty struck that thrill was often times accompanied by sexual release. So in parallel with developping an interest in girls my own age, the specter of female emulation followed along like a shadow. I was not old enough to have sex with girls and ejaculate into them but I could emulate them and at the same time desire them.

There was no deliberate act of masturbation. There was unprompted release as I gazed at my feminine image in the mirror or imagined myself at some motherly task which ruined for me the purity of the experience and sent me plummeting me back down to earth in a post orgasmic thud. Yes the feelings were innocent enough but the end result deeply disappointing. I was a girl experiencing ecstacy in a body that was male.

My fate was cast - in love with women and in love with the idea of being a woman. Not a winning combination and one which would cause confusion in later years. So while I never imagined myself as the woman during intercourse with my wife, I did imagine myself to BE a desireable woman in order to perform. The distinction here being that I did not think about role reversal as much as about myself at some female activity or instantly being transformed into a woman.

This is all now hard wired. Set during formative years where our burgeoning sexuality is in it's infancy. I do now believe with 100% certainty that this cannot happen to just any boy. This happens to boys with a predisposition to want to be girls in the first place. This is where the line is drawn for me between the fetish transvestite who has no such feelings before trying on his mother's silky slip or stockings at 12 and proceeds to rub one off. He will remain closer to his male identity than a boy like me but he will continue the practice well into adulthood as part of his sexual repertoire.

All of this is based on anecdotal information, my reading over the years as well as examining my own thought processes. I don't even know what to call myself these days because labels are just that - labels.

This mistargeting segues into my recent posting on relationships. A woman desires a conventional male to desire and protect her and by virtue of this abnormality, the autogynephilic (for lack of a better term) is stuck between a rock and a hard place. This is why I am actively working towards removing any desire for a sustained relationship with any woman. She would need to accept an undesireable level of abnormality and be able to look at the person underneath. A tall order indeed.

Christmas party

Last night I went to my company's party. It was a well attended affair with probably close to 700 people making the trip to the Italian banquet hall where it was held. It was the first time I had attended one of these functions on my own and it felt a bit strange. I was glad I came however as the meal and the company at our table were both good reasons to have made the journey.

I found myself at various times looking at a few women, simultaneously wishing I were them and being drawn to them as potential love interest. Nothing new for a person like me but it was particularly strong last night without the focus that a date would have given me. As stated in my previous post, I need to get a point where I come to an acceptance that I will stay on my own and be totally at ease with that.

Last night made that task just a little bit harder.

Saturday, 8 December 2012

the mystery of relationships

Relationships are a complete mystery to me. Granted I have not had many but I feel that I am neither adept at finding the type of person that is suited to me nor good at knowing when things have soured and I am just hurting myself and should move on. I am always guilty of wanting relationships but now want desperately to rid myself of that desire. I would be swimming upstream against the current anyway so why bother making the effort. It has been written that if you work on yourself good things will come your way and you will attract what you deserve.

I have not been one to wait mind you. I want to control things and have a history of being judgemental. Also, to my advantage and simultaneously to my detriment, I have been given the mind of a thinker. That combination coupled with an unusual penchant for women's clothing makes me an unlikely catch for women. So I will stop trying even whilst the desire remains; a desire borne by our nature as social animals to want to love and be loved.

But what we think we want and what
we need are two different things in the end. Still when I find myself missing my previous relationship which shows that much work remains to be done on myself.

how shopping has changed and more....

Its funny how things have changed. I used to buy women's clothes in male mode and then slowly migrated to buying them dressed as a woman as I gained confidence in my presentation. Now I am buying even my male clothing as a female and pretending to be my own wife while doing it.

Two nights ago, I bought a pair of shoes for my "husband" and had a great time doing it. I had not intended to go shoe shopping but the deal was just too good to pass up. So I took advantage of the situation and once again practiced my female communication skills. I will do that every so often just to validate my ability to pass and connect with another female. I have so far exceeded my expectations.

Last night I had my last IPL laser treatment on my lip area and chin. I will be virtually beardless and will require even less foundation than I currently use. I am very happy with the results from the previous treatment and looking forward to 3 weeks from now when the lasered hair finally drops away.

My existence in this netherworld between female and male can be confusing. Each side has a chance to pull harder for my attention on a daily basis. There is always the threat that the female will win but she never quite manages to grab hold of my entire essence. She tries hard though.

Wednesday, 5 December 2012

more lessons still to learn

I need to work on myself in another area - self forgiveness. I need to cut myself some slack and allow myself to make errors; errors which are less about mistakes than giving in to my natural character. I got so accustomed to refraining from being happy by holding myself back, that it has become a natural reflex to feel negative. My guilt over expressing my feminine side openly was so vehemently prohibited, that I could never allow more than a few days of yearly crossdressing to soothe my desires. Once satiated I needed to destroy all evidence in a frantic purge.

As much as those inhibitions are apparently gone, there remains some resident guilt. That is in fact the hardest thing to get rid of. But I persevere and will hope that 2013 removes another layer of old wallpaper in the room that is my mind.

Another issue is passing. Since I am used to generally passing well, I tend to get a little freaked out when I don't. I am getting better at this but still have a ways to go. I am also still daydreaming about being with someone again which is a mistake. That is improving over time as I get used to living on my own.

Monday, 3 December 2012

Sunday outing

Well my son’s surgery went well on Friday and I am so pleased! He had a condition known as strabismus which is the medical term for crossed eyes (actually only one of them was misaligned). So now he will be away from school for a few days while he recuperates from a procedure which took only 45 minutes and was performed by a top notch surgeon. It was all covered by the Canadian health system which Canadians so love to complain about but is in fact quite good overall. This is something I can attest to personally given the treatment I received when I had my stroke.

I spent my Sunday off yesterday doing some Christmas shopping and I ended up, quite by happenstance, meeting a nice lady called Leila while I was having a coffee. She is an immigrant from Lebanon who’s been in Canada for 21 years. We had a nice discussion and she ended up giving me her card as she and her husband run a business from their home selling a special type of imported cooking oil. She told me we should meet again and I agreed that we should. She seems like a very nice person.

This type of scenario is happening to me more often as my comfort level with my identity as a female increases. I am still the same person but I am in the process of joining the two halves of my personality into one unit. The only difference is the way I am dressed and the way I gesture as Joanna.

I still feel uncomfortable with the idea however of telling people I am trans and since I can pass as a female it becomes easier to lie. Certainly someone like Leila, who I would guess to be about 70, would not be as receptive to a trans person than someone in their 20’s. So I am conscious of my audience but I know that I need to eventually be more truthful in the future when I meet new people in order to have a more cohesive life.

Sunday, 2 December 2012

woman anyways....

I am at a point where, if there is to be no transition, what is left is to come to terms with my female nature. In my head I feel like a woman and if tomorrow you asked me to adapt to living as a female, I would do so in a heartbeat. Not many males on this planet would want that I reckon. In fact the vast majority would be devastated were it to happen to them.

The way I feel in my head is what counts for me at this point and the change of plumbing is not a prerequisite. So, as I have stated in a previous post, I guess I will remain a gender variant outlaw. I am already living as Joanna successfully so why rock the boat.

The other thing I have decided is to live completely honestly when it comes to the potential for one day meeting a soulmate. Should that ever happen, that person would need to accept the entire me. I would not throw Joanna away to try and fit someone's image of what a male should be. I am after all hardly conventional in that sense.

Last night I saw the film "Laurence anyways" which tells the bittersweet story of a transexual struggling to be true to who they are while trying to hold on to their soulmate. I won't reveal the ending but I recommend the film to any trans person most especially. The nature of the struggle is nicely portrayed. The film is in French but is subtitled. Well worth the effort in my opinion. Just as in real life, nothing is a given and we feel for all parties concerned; and as expected, life offers no easy answers.

Saturday, 1 December 2012

regrets

Walt Heyer is a former male to female transexual and hosts a site called sexchangeregret.com. He responded to my previous post in support of my recent decision not to undergo gender therapy. Later I proceeded to his website and read of how his conversion to a spiritual life was pivotal for him in his decision to return to living as a male.

While I have no issue whatsoever with Walt's decision, I question whether the spiritual connection can be credited with curing his disphoria. As a lifelong spiritual person, I have always believed there is a God and practiced my faith. I also have instilled the same values in my children. However nowhere during that process has my disphoria disappeared. So while I don't feel I am transexual, there is somewhere within me a strong connection to the female. That connection has been there from my earliest memory and all attempts at eradication have proven to be futile. This includes many hours of prayer hoping that it just goes away.

What I have instead found is that a healthy embracing of your transgender nature has been far more therapeutic for me than a "hold your breath until you explode approach. While I do not know the exact nature of the treatment Walt received, turning to Jesus Christ is something I have already done in my life. In addition I don't feel that there is anything particularly wrong with being transgender, most especially if you did not choose to be so in the first place.

Yes there are regrets for all of us but for some SRS has been a solution for their situation. I will not presume to speak for them. For people like myself there will be another path.