Skip to main content


I took the day off yesterday because it was really quiet at work and I wanted to reduce my overhead. Since I pick up my kids only on Saturday morning, I got to spend the entire day as myself.

I started off downtown at the cafe depot where the kind and lovely Mexican girls know me as Juanita. We chatted a bit and during the conversation they asked me if my kids were going to take me out for mother's day on Sunday. It reinforced my female identity but also reminded me I need to do something special for my mother.

Since there are so many of us in my family, I will try and set something up for Saturday with her and my kids.

I also took Denise's cell number because the three of us may get together for a drink during the summer. Would be my first real girls outing since all my others to date were just me and one other lady.

Later in the morning I met my friend Leticia who is a lovely person. We had a very nice time together for about an hour before her shift at Sears began. We left off with her promising to have me over to her house this summer. That will be a nice little challenge for me and I will make sure to be extra presentable as a woman.

A short trip to the cosmetics department and another pleasant converstion earned me a happy mother's day wish from the lady I know there.

Its funny how comfortable being in the role of a woman is for me these days. With the reinforcement coming from being treated and accepted as a genetic female by other women, I feel I have joined an elite club where I truly belong.

So this type of transition is the one that truly counts for me and the one that most satisfies. My own self identification has the seal of approval from the group that matters most.

I am increasingly happy with this compromise where my woman's soul can fluorish while I tend to my kids and leave their lives as unscathed as possible. After all a real mother sacrifices for her children.

A Joanna mini vacation is hopefully still in the works. I am going to reward myself for all those years of gender struggles with a few days in a hotel and pamper myself just a bit. The real vacation of course will be with my kids towards the end of summer.


  1. Joanna -

    The kind of transition you mention is the most important one for now. Physical transition is something you may end up desiring because of the emotional and self image transition. (No, I am not pushing this - I am on a similar path to yours, and my plans do not include physical transition.)

    Whatever happens, this phase is most important - you feeling comfortable as the woman you are. The physical trappings are secondary....


    1. Thanks for this Marian and I completely concur. I think this plateau will be fine for a good long while and maybe for good. Lots to explore still...thank you for your positive feedback....

  2. Joanna,
    This may turn out to not be a temporary plateau. You may have reached an appropriate level of stasis. I am happy and comfortable as a man, husband, father, provider, etc. I also really need my girl time. There is no switch that can turn one personality component on and the other off but being able to step into woman mode from time to time feels right and makes some sort of sense to me in keeping my on an even keel.

  3. The difference pat is that I dress daily. I doubt you do the same. I have crossed into new territory it appears.....


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

looking past cross gender arousal

Jack’s latest Crossdreamers post got me thinking about cross gender arousal and how it could be avoided; also whether it even matters. This with particular focus on the inability to relate of someone on the outside looking in.

You see, sexuality is a very complicated thing to begin with and when you then add gender identity ambiguity it becomes a recipe to really confuse someone.

So imagine that you are a little boy who identifies as a girl but then along comes puberty and short circuits everything by having the sex you identify with also be the sex you are attracted to. For in essence this is what happens to all all male to female gender dysphoric trans persons who are attracted to women.

So I ask myself: can I imagine a scenario where this inherent contradiction would not produce sexual confusion? The answer is that I cannot.

I am in the unique position, like many of you, to have experienced an early identification with the feminine become sexualized later on. This brought confusion…

understanding the erotic component

I have written about crossed wires before in two separate posts. The idea is that one cannot pass through puberty and the development of sexual feelings for females and not have your pre-existing gender dysphoria be impacted through your psychosexual development. The hormone responsible for your libido is testosterone which is present in much stronger concentration in males and is why gynephilics are most likely to experience erotic overtones as the conflict between romantic external feelings and their pull towards the feminine become permanently intertwined.

Because I came from a deeply religious family where sex was not discussed much at all, I grew up with little access to information and was very much ignorant of matters relating to the subject. With no firsthand experience in intercourse until I married I was then faced with the reality that my ability to perform sexually had been deeply impacted by my dysphoric feelings. This began years of turmoil and self-deprecating thoughts …

another coming out

Recently I had lunch with one of the young estimators who occasionally works with me here in Toronto. We were chatting about work and our respective lives when she queried about my love life:

“So how is it going on that front. Meet anyone interesting lately?”

I reflected for a moment and then said:

“My situation is a little particular and if you don’t mind I can share something about myself”

She leaned in a bit and told me to please go ahead.

“I am trans” I said matter of factly.

She looked at me and smiled and said:

“Really? That’s so neat”

She is 35 years old and a lovely person which is why I knew I could confide in her. I then added that I had been reflecting on whether I would switch companies and begin working as Joanna and although she is totally open she also knows how conservative our business can be. So I told her that if I did decide to it would definitely be under a different umbrella.

Then yesterday I was coming back to my place and the lady who rents it to me, who is abo…