Wednesday, 26 February 2014

Striking a balance...

It occurred to me the other day that Joanna is known by at least 50 people if not more. Besides my close acquaintances, there are numerous merchants whose businesses I have been a patron of who know me as a middle aged woman and mother to 2 teens.

I am still dumbfounded that this is even possible because, not that long ago, I would never have believed that I could ever be taken for a female in such close quarters and face the scrutiny of genetic females. People smile at me when they see me and ask me about my life. They tell me it’s been a while since they’ve seen me and seem more than happy to spend a few minutes chatting.

As certain as I am that I will never transition, I still cherish the fact that I have gotten to such a level of comfort with my female persona; so much so that I would now feel comfortable attending a conference, taking a course or even working part time in a store as a woman.

N, the woman that I love, wants no part of this which is fine with me. When we first reunited after all those years there were early attempts at outings with me ``en femme`` but it ultimately did not work out. She began to feel that this would affect the way she saw me as a male which in turn prompted me to become self conscious about how I moved or spoke for fear it would affect our relationship.

It’s not at all obvious for a normal genetic female to see her partner in this way. I have seen blogs written by accepting wives of transitioning husbands, but the vast majority of marriages involving transition end in divorce. If you are fortunate, you may be able to entertain the possibility that you remain friends.

I desire to build a life with N so what remains for me now is to balance my existence as both male and female in such a way that neither side overwhelms the other. I think I am starting to do that but it’s not an easy thing to do. Balance requires giving each side it’s due.

For example, I start work very early in the morning such that by 4 pm I am home and usually changing into Joanna mode so I can step out for a bit. N and I might see each other on a Wednesday and every Friday night. Saturday during the day is time spent with my kids and Saturday evening and most of Sunday is spent with N although Sunday morning I will usually try and attend mass as Joanna.

The total time spent crossdressed per week is probably in the range of 6 to 10 hours which represents less than 10% of my waking hours.

The other day we had a plumbing problem in the building where I live and since I am the condo association president I stayed home to wait for the serviceman to arrive. I decided that since I would have time to spend afterwards as Joanna, I would simply present as her rather than change afterwards. All went well and he left being certain he had dealt with a middle aged woman.

I thought afterwards that it would have made little difference to him to him whether I was a crossdressed male or a genetic female. For me, however, the fact I was able to present successfully as Joanna made all the difference in the world.

4 comments:

  1. Thanks for you thoughtful post.

    There are many of us who love to present as a woman but have no intention to transition. Finding balance in this situation is very difficult. I admire the way you and N have found a way. Best wishes to both of you.

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  2. It is always a matter of finding a balance that works for two people. It is good to be in a committed loving relationship and having separated living quarters allows each party the freedom to kick back.
    Good luck going forward.
    Pat

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  3. Thank you once again for the very positive feedback Pat....

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